I was in the gym, peddling away on an elliptical machine, when I saw on the TV the announcement made by South Korean officials that North Korea’s dictator, Kim Jong-un, was willing to have direct talks with President Donald Trump regarding North Korea’s nuclear program. Not long after that, it was announced that Donald Trump was also willing to sit down with Kim Jong-un and the meeting was supposed to happen sometime between now and May. It’s hard to say whether or not the meeting will actually happen—both Trump and Kim could easily say or do something that gets the meeting cancelled—but if it does happen I’d like to officially offer my services to President Trump. I’ve recently been to Korea, including the DMZ, and I’m ready to stare down Kim Jong-un and remind him that our nuclear button is bigger, and actually works.
On top of all of that, I’ve got an ingenious scheme that can be used as a backup plan if negotiations go south. Should things start to fall apart, I’ll challenge Kim Jong-un to a dance battle that will settle the longstanding tensions on the Korean Peninsula and bring an official end to the Korean War, which technically is still ongoing due to the fact that no peace treaty was ever signed. The winner of the dance battle will be declared the official victor of the Korean War and the loser will have to abide the winner’s terms. Upon hearing my proposal Kim Jong-un will stare at me and then laugh, confident that he can dance better than a stupid American tourist. He (and probably some of his guards) will then do an impressive dance routine that ends with Kim having a very smug look on his face. What Kim won’t realize until it’s too late is that the terms of the dance battle never said that I’d be the one dancing. I will simply step aside and unleash a team comprising of Psy, BTS, and/or whichever other K-pop legends are available and they will deliver their own dance routine that obliterates Kim’s performance. Just like that, North Korea will be defeated and peace will come to the region. I can already feel the Nobel Peace Prize in my hands.